BY TEKLEBIRHAN GEBREMICHAEL
A Woyane (TPLF) honcho was caught after masterminding and orchestrating a horrendous and massive genocide in the north western part of Ethiopia. He was hidden somewhere in a cavernous mountain side without food or water.
He was disheveled, unkempt and rather horrible to look at. The soldiers who found him helped him to his feet and he started to totter. He was obviously famished and emaciated.
“Anybody have a fag?” he mumbled.
“What is a fag?” one of the soldiers asked.
“It is slang for a cigarette”, said the other soldier and added, “It is derived from an extremely pejorative word.”
“And what is that word?” queried the other soldier.
“Don’t know. You will have to look it up in the dictionary,” he said.
“Yeah, that’s what I mean, a cigarette”, the captured Woyane honcho said.
“We will buy you a packet on our way to the police commission”, said one of the soldiers.
They all boarded a police van and trundled down the mountain side to get into the main road. The van headed towards the central police headquarters in a nearby town.
The police commissioner was delighted to see the captured Woyane bigwig, who was still puffing the cigarette the soldiers bought him with their own money.
The soldiers helped the Woyane genocider get down the van and out on to the premises of the regional central police headquarters.
Surprisingly, the Woyane genocider smiled and said:
“I am now free. The evil spirit has evacuated my body and migrated to another human body. I am now an empty shell but the holy spirit cannot enter it because it has been badly defiled by Satan.”
“So, it is no use hanging you upside down like Mussolini because the devil in you has escaped”, the Police Commissioner remarked.
“But, Commissioner, the law stipulates that the punishment for genocide is death by hanging,” one of the soldiers said.
“What is the use of killing an empty shall of rotten flesh that has lost its dynamic core of crime commission”, the Police Commissioner said.
“Satan will re–enter it as an abode it left undestroyed,” the soldier said.
“How come I never thought of it? An empty shall of rotten flesh already thoroughly defiled by Satan is likely to be a much more fertile ground than one which has not been defiled or has been only slightly defiled for Lucifer to conquer,” The Police Commissioner said.
“But, Commissioner, there is a downside to it, too. If the empty shell of rotten flesh is destroyed, then Satan’s struggle to get into more or less undefiled human bodies would be that much stronger and that would include us!”, the soldier said.
“That’s the conundrum! But what is the choice other than to hang genociders upside down like Mussolini? the Police Commissioner asked.
Then the Police Commissioner furrowed his brow in deep contemplation. The captured Woyane honcho and the two soldiers remained quiet as if they were waiting for the wisdom to come out of the Police Commissioner’s awe–inspiring thoughtful reflection.
They were not disappointed. The Police Commissioner suggested that, instead of hurrying to hang the genocider upside down like Mussolini, they should try to unfathom the underlying causes that propelled him to the extremes of heinous crime by conducting a thorough interrogation.
So, the Police Commissioner phoned the resident psychiatrist-cum–criminologist, Dr. Abraham, and asked him to come over to the interrogation room, where all four persons headed to and waited for the eminent doctor. Dr. Abraham arrived immediately.
“Why did you commit genocide or rather what inside you forced you to perpetrate such an atrocity? Dr. Abraham asked the genocider.
“I don’t really know, but I think it is the pleasure principle gone berserk. I mean eating degenerating into gluttony, sex into sodomy, business into corruption, political power into dictatorship, righteous indignation into deadly anger and self–confidence into hubris”, the Woyane genocider replied.
“And pleasure itself into sadism,” Dr. Abraham completed the list of degenerations being recited by the captured Woyane honcho and continued his professional interrogation by asking:
“Why did you allow your pleasure–seeking self to go on a rampage in such a disastrous manner?”
“I lost my moral compass because there was no external control on my behavior. The generals wanted to mimic me because they wanted to be free to degeneration like me. Of course, the public were completely subjugated by sheer force and were allowed only to copy my behavior and the behavior of my co-genociders,” the Woyane said.
“Still, the fundamental question remains to be, why did you allow yourself to lose your moral compass? Dr, Abraham asked.
“The simple answer is that my body was invaded by an evil spirit which displaced my God–given and conscience–endowed soul. The evil spirit seems to have evacuated my body now but I have still not got my God–given soul back”, the Wayane genocider replied.
“I don’t think the Police Commissioner will give you a chance to regain your God–given soul. Genocide is the worst crime a human being can commit on earth. At any rate, that is not for me to decide. It is up to the country’s judicial system”, Dr. Abrham said adding, “that’s all on my part. Good day.”
On orders from the Police Commissioner the Woyane genocider was handcuffed and taken to a prison cell. On the basis of the habeas corpus writ, the genocider was brought before a court of justice within forty–eight hours.
“Do you know why you are here?” the presiding judge asked.
“I think I do,” answered the genocider.
“Why are you here?”
“I am charged with genocide and multiple murders,” the TPLF honcho answered
“How do you plead?’ the judge asked
“Not guilty, because I did not commit the crime. The evil spirit which inhabited my body did. I am now an empty shell looking for my disembodied soul which is still at large,” the genocider said
“Pardon me,” said the judge, “you speak in a language alien to the justice system. The law recognizes you only as a citizen culpable for illegal actions committed by you,” the judge said.
“I already said the evil spirit in me committed the crime, not me”, the Woyane honcho said.
“You are still guilty of allowing the criminal evil spirit to escape from your body”, the judge said
“I have already reached a verdict. The defender has been found guilty as accused. The punishment is death by hanging by the neck until declared dead,” the judge banged the gavel and ended the trial.
The TPLF honcho was taken back to his prison cell. A week later the prison warden took him to the executioner, who tersely said: “I will take off your handcuffs and tie your hands behind your back,” and he did so. And then with a stiff upper lip, he added” we will both walk to the gallows”.
“What exactly does a gallows look like?” the genocider asked.
“You must have seen it in the movies. There are two upright posts about a meter and a half apart and then there is the transverse beam on which the noose is hung”, the executioner tried to explain.
The noose is permanently hanged there. Why should I be afraid of being hanged for a few minutes at most?” The executioner was quite amazed at the captured TPLF genocider’s sense of gallows humour.
“It is hung not hanged, though”, the executioner tried to correct the condemned convict, who actually made the common English error deliberately and he continued: “you have a pretty good sense of black humor”.
“But, Sir, what I need now is not levity but levitation to stop the noose from tightening around my neck”, the genocider exhibited his wasted mental brilliance.
The captured TPLF genocider continued: “Sir, if you can offer me a stay of execution of only one week, I may be able to find out a trick to beat the gallows and save my life”.
How on earth can you do that? asked the executioner who now was beginning to suspect that the condemned criminal might well be a self–destructive genius?
“Well, Sir, the three factors that combine to choke the criminal to death are body weight, gravity and the noose. The tightening of the noose is a result of body weight and gravity.
I can reduce my body weight to feather–light by starving myself like Bobby Sands. However, there is nothing even Sir Isaac Newton can do about the gravity component,” the genocides said.
“How then can you come up with a trick to beat the gallows and keep yourself alive”, the executioner asked.
“Well, Sir, the general principle is to reduce body weight to such a degree as to lessen the tourniquet pressure on the noose so that it will not tighten enough to choke the criminal dead,” the TPLF genocider replied.
“How can you make sure that it all works out that way without some kind of mathematical calculation?” asked the executioner.
“It may require a bit of Newtonian calculus, but it can be done while I starve myself to feather-light in 66 days like Bobby Sands,” the genocides said
“Are you suggesting you need a stay of execution of 66 days?” asked the executioner and added: “How could you stand the wait on death row?”
“Well, Sir, the tension on death row may force me to think of another way to beat the gallows,” the genocider said.
“What other way?” asked the executioner.
“A jailbreak!” answered the genocider.
The Ethiopian Herald January 26/2021
