This happened to a friend some time back. Somehow he got himself in the midst of a certain group he wasn’t familiar with. Of course he knew them individually but never to the extent where he calls and says; “How about you and me getting together for tea tomorrow!” So he knew very little, even practically anything worth about their behaviors. Are these the kinds of the guys you can sit down with for the sake of having some lively chats? Are these the kinds of guys with whom you could voice your opinions on a hundred and one things and they don’t frown at them even if they don’t subscribe to them? Are they the kinds of guys who believe that differences of opinions make the world a much better place rather than a boring and very uninteresting planet? Are the kinds of guys who expect you to play second fiddle to everything they say and every emotion they display? You know the kinds who through their side glances and grimaces say, “If you don’t laugh when we laugh and cry when we cry, just get lost!”
So as I was telling you this friend of mine finds himself in the midst of this group, something he regretted for days. He says it was a group where everyone thought they were some M, Bin or something and each tried to tell jokes and get the loudest laughs. Well my friend says every single one of them got the loudest of laughs! How do such things happen?” Well the most probable scenario is that group members are acting as they were expected to act. The guy tells a joke he thinks would bring half of the world down with laughter and you remain stone-faced! That, ladies and gentlemen, isn’t a very brilliant thing to do, as some would tell you.
“Look the joke might be the worst joke ever told since that left rib was taken out from poor Adam!”
Look, by being advised to act as you’re expected to act you’re told “Cut the crap about being a man of principles. The concept of being oneself and never being oneself and not bending to outside pressures is a defeated concept as this is a world of polishing your acts as society expects you to. Get on the train or get out of the station!”
My friend being the sort of guy whom you might call a hard nut to crack remains emotionless during all the noise. Two members of the group members notice and ask him if anything was wrong with him. He says nothing was wrong.
“Are you sure you feel alright””
“Definitely! Thank you for your concern.” “Then why aren’t you laughing when everyone laughs?”
My friend admits it was a question that took him off guard. He never expected it to come so head-on! He didn’t answer and, luckily, the two didn’t press any further. But when he finally got up saying he had a couple of appointments he didn’t get any friendly “Sayonara!” After all not that he wasn’t a real friend! He didn’t even smile when they were losing their heads with laughter! He wasn’t a team player! By maintaining a face that remained blank and emotionless through and through he impressed no one.
Look, the fact is that in many instances in this society you’re expected to accept as others do if you want to defend yourself from the unwanted, unfriendly stares. Who do you think you are not even smiling while everyone is laughing! Take meetings where you hear repeated applauses even while there is nothing to applaud. A few people in the audience ‘take the initiative’ and begin to clap and much of the audience follows! It is not only the unnecessary the uncalled for applause you witness in such instances but also people standing up because few guys probably up front decide to do so. Trying to answer the reasons as to why people act as such could be tricky as there could be a thousand explanations and all sound legitimate! But one thing we can be sure of is that we don’t want to be noticed because being noticed would be throwing one’s name in a certain black list, individual or otherwise.
The fact is you don’t feel like the rest do, or act. There is nothing to convince you that while you might have your own principles which you observe as best as you can you should play ball with the others because the unwritten ‘conventional wisdom’ demands you do so. I mean if you don’t feel like being part of the group or crowd and choose to get lost in your own thoughts. So you get lost in your own thoughts be they sweet or sour! But it isn’t easy. You’re supposed to be like the crowd or the group because many would try to make you believe that as a member of the society that was what was expected from you. Yes, you’re physically part of the group. You’re sitting together and whatever you’re eating and drinking is in front of you like is the case with the others. But that doesn’t mean you’re emotionally connected with any member of the group or with whatever they say or whatever they do. So you try to be yourself. Life hasn’t put you in such a hopelessly tight place that you have to negate your core principles just because others would feel happy.
I mean, that’s you! And there can’t be any ground for you to act like others when you don’t feel like it. You can’t go in life playing ball with everyone just because you don’t want to be left out in the cold. The idea of being left out in the cold just because you try to be what you are could be a little unsettling, even scary. In fact you might even be taken as some antisocial nerd who doesn’t have brains enough to keep pace with the times; times which are changing so thoroughly in every aspect that the option of being a non-interfering observer isn’t there.
So get on the train, or get out of the station! Tough, believe me that is one scenario when you realize the real meaning of the term tough. Because social life these days is real tough and navigating the thin line between boarding the train and leaving the station could be an existential issue in its strange ways!
Ephrem Endale: Contributer
THE ETHIOPIAN HERALD SUNDAY EDITION 18 FEBRUARY 2024