BY TEKLEBIRHAN GEBREMICHAEL
The people of Zagonda were cursed by their forebears for being indolent, oversexed and gluttonous. The curse cast on them was the deadliest in the world, namely that of being subjected to a bad ruler.
True to the scriptures, the curse materialized in the form of successive dictatorships of the Zagon dynasty which held sway over Zagonda for close to a century.
At the time the great curse was cast on Zagonda, the population numbered roughly just over 20 million. By the end of the century –old dynastic dictatorship, that number had multiplied to over 200 million. Predictably, most of Zagonda’s wealth, particularly land and buildings, was owned and controlled by members of the Zagon dynasty who numbered no more than 300. Naturally, the land /population ratio collapsed, production stagnated and declined and overall living standards dropped precipitously.
Nutrition levels nosedived and the people of Zagonda were physically and mentally stunted, with dire consequences particularly on IQ levels. Authoritative international studies estimated the national IQ level at only about 70, which, of course, was of great concern.
Thus, economic hardships of all sorts became more than chronic. People fought over food, water and land. Rape and unwanted pregnancies were widespread, fuelling the population explosion; tribalism peaked as ethnic groups tried to secure land and other resources for their own kith and kin. Female infanticide and cannibalism began to rear their ugly heads as economic conditions further deteriorated.
In the midst of all this, the incumbent ruler of Zagonda, Dictator Zagon, appeared on the balcony of his palace and said: “My fellow Zagondanians, Ladies and Gentlemen, the copulation explosion to realize the population explosion is as ordained by the Inscrutable Light of the Universe Lucifer for the ultimate goal is to re – introduce cannibalism as a major source of food for all humanity.
Civilization has complicated and worsened the human condition. Savagery and barbarism are the true state of nature suitable for the existence and non–existence of mankind.”
The crowd assembled on the grounds of the palace expressed their appreciation of Dictator Zagon’s speech by clapping and ululating, but one notorious Zagondanian asked the Dictator the following question:
“If only the male population is permissible for cannibalism, will it not be completely decimated in due course of time and won’t there be no males to impregnate the females?” to which the Dictator replied:
“You are a naughty Zagondanian. Where did you get the IQ to ask such a sophisticated demographic question? At a rate, we are planning to maintain a sex ratio of one male to ten females in the context of free love. Besides, any excess female population will be good for cannibalism in accordance with waiver clauses in the Commandments of the Inscrutable Light of the Universe Lucifer.”
The assembled crowd and the people all across Zagonda willingly embraced the momentous pronouncements by their great leader, Dictator Zagon. They almost unanimously, except the usual crackpots, appreciated the wisdom of their great leader to re- introduce cannibalism as an internally sustainable source of food, thus eliminating the drudgery of agriculture.
They exulted at the bright idea of proscribing female infanticide and the implied female cannibalism except in circumstances where the sex ratio was far in excess of one male to ten females, in which case the excess female population may be permissible for cannibalism.
They further appreciated the Dictator’s notion that natural pleasure resides in fornication and that a single male could impregnate more than ten females.
Hence, the heavenly kingdom of Lucifer, the Inscrutable Light of the Universe, was created, where the human reproductive system was based on the natural act of fornication and the obvious consequence of cannibalism as regards excess population, particularly of the male gender.
Free love, fornication and cannibalism thus became well –established and sacred rituals of Zagonda. Free love led to free fornication and fornication to reproduction. The energy for reproduction was obtained from cannibalism.
The act of cannibalism was revered and sought –after both by the eater and the eaten. Eating and being eaten were equally enjoyed and celebrated by Zagondanians. Civilization as we know it was totally obliterated in Zagonda. Work was also abolished. To this effect, Dictator Zagon called the usual crowd of Zagondanians to his palace and proclaimed thus:
“My fellow Zagondanians, what we have achieved is miraculous and it is all thanks to Lucifer, the Inscrutable Light of the Universe. We have beaten civilization. Actually, there is no need for it. We have created an internally sustainable reproductive and feeding system for all mankind. For example, how many of you would like to engage in the sacred rituals of fornication and cannibalism right here on my palace grounds?”
With the exception of the usual crackpots, all hands shot up in the air, many raising both of their hands.
“Ok, thank you! You May now commence the sacred acts in the name of Lucifer the Inscrutable Light of the Universe,” Zagon the Dictator said.
The commotion that ensured was beyond words to express. The fornication ritual went on smoothly, but the ritual of cannibalism was accompanied by a great deal of shouting and pleading. The problem was that those who were fed up with the ritual of fornication wanted to be eaten rather than being the eating partners.
Zagon, the Dictator, had to intervene and he said:
“Well, my fellow Zagondanians, one has to be hungry to engage in the sacred ritual of cannibalism. Besides, at least seven people are required to completely devour one man. I understand that those of you who passionately want to be eaten rather than eat your fellow Zagondnians are doing so in the service of and for the glory of Lucifer, the Inscrutable Light of the Universe, but there has to be discipline and order in performing the glorious acts of fornication and cannibalism.”
Meantime, the Usual Crackpots had been meeting secretly to put an end to the protracted dictatorial rule of the Zagonian Dynasty which made the people of Zagonda the slaves of Lucifer, the obnoxious evil spirit which, according to the Holy Bible, went as far as trying to tempt Jesus Christ, the True Light of the Universe.
The devil incarnate Lucifer, a.k.a Satan, initiated his temptation of the fasting Christ with: “You are fasting and hungry; why don’t you turn these stones into bread?” and Jesus replied: “Man does not live by bread alone.” Lucifer understood Christ’s reply in his own evil way and agreed by saying: “Of course not, with the availability of delicacies like human kidneys and fetuses.”
Jesus Christ had the ultimate divine power to destroy Lucifer there and then, but he was actually indirectly broadcasting his teachings to humankind in general who had breached his commandments in the persons of Adam and Eve, whom he created in his own image. So, Jesus allowed Lucifer, a.k.a Satan, to ask a second and third question.
Lucifer’s second test was as follows: “If you are indeed the Son of God, jump down from the highest point of the temple and have your angels catch you in mid- air and save your life.” But Christ said: “It is written that you shall not tempt the Lord.” Then, Lucifer had the temerity to say to Jesus:
“I will give you all the wealth and splendor of the world if you worship me.” That was a stretch too far and Jesus said: “Away from me, Satan!”
So, the Usual Crackpots, the group which was working secretly to depose Dictator Zagon from power determined to approach the Dictator in front of his assembled slave subjects and confront him and they did so thus:
“Dictator Zagon, you have brought your subjects under the evil magic spell of Lucifer who gave you the power to do so and have deprived your own people of the God-given power to be civilized and to emerge from a state of savagery and barbarism.
You have reduced them to the primordial and instinctive acts of copulation and the savage practice of cannibalism. We are the Messengers of the True Light of the Universe, Jesus Christ, and as such we demand that you release the people of Zagonda from the artificial hell you have, as a servant of Lucifer, created on earth or we shall be forced to exercise the divine power granted to us by the True Lord of the Universe,” said the Principal Messenger of God whom the Zagon government and its subjects called the lead Crackpot.
The commotion within the assembled crowd was forbiddingly hostile, threatening to erupt in open violence. “Stone them to death and let us have them for lunch right here in the presence of our great leader Zagon,” The crowd chanted.
Soon the Principal Messenger of the God of Good and the Dictator Zagon were locked in a mortal duel. The Dictator was the one who initiated the epic Armaggeddon apparently between the force of good and the force of evil. Suddenly, a bright halo appeared around the head of the Principal Messenger of the God of Good and the whole apparition looked like a glorious supernova.
By contrast, the messenger of Lucifer, Dictator Zagon, who admittedly showed great satanic power over the people of Zagonda, descended into a pitch –dark black hole, and the great battle ended in victory for the force of good and the Principal Crackpot became the new leader of Zagonda.
The spell-bound crowd could not believe what they were seeing but had no choice other than to realize that there was indeed a greater power than Lucifer. Shortly after the end of Armaggeddon, the new Leader of Zagonda addressed the crowd and said: “We have begun a new era. Our first task is to pray to the God of Good so that He may lift the curse cast upon us by our forebears. So, repeat after me; our Father who art in heaven…”
The Ethiopian Herald February 3/2021
