Shibru Nefsetsion was an office-boy in a government –owned deposit bank. He envied the president of the bank his coterie of subordinates fawning on their boss, his limousine-like automobile and his social status and prestige in general. He wondered how anybody could achieve such a blessed social standing anywhere in the world. He tried to imitate the regular habits of the bank’s president, including his punctuality, industriousness and respect for all his workers.
So, Shibru joined an evening school and studied hard when he was off duty. To the astonishment of his colleagues at the bank, he successfully completed the courses required for a B.A. degree in accounting. Hence, his job grading and salary were raised substantially, and he soon proved to be one of the most outstanding employees of the bank. Thereafter, having performed exceptionally well as head of the accounting department for several years, he competed for the position of Vice President and won it by a wide margin.
Shibru was now on the verge of being on a par with his role model and idol, the President of the Bank. The only thing he did not quite like about his boss was his selection for a wife of a lady whose beauty was far from being the talk of the town. So, he decided to get in touch with the notorious “Pimp of Addis” nicknamed “Gigolo Dolce” who more approximately looked like a Mafia boss than a petty procurer, with a huge hulk chomping on a cigar.
“This is a pretty out –of –the way place. Listen, Dolce. I want you to get me the most beautiful woman in town. That’s the only requirement. I don’t give a damn if she is not virgin or she is a divorcee or even if she’s got children from a previous marriage,” said Shibru.
“I am surprised to hear that from you. You have lowered the bar too far down. I’ll get you the most beautiful virgin in town unless you give me the permission to taste her beforehand,” replied Gigolo Dolce, who had removed the cigar from his yellowish lips.
“That’s even better, but I hope you know that my idea of beauty is not limited to the face. Her physique should be like that of a fashion model. Her private parts are her own affair, though of course, you know what I mean. She must cut a dashing figure beside me!” Shibru said.
“Ok, That sounds a lot better, but the fee has got to get a lot better, too!”, Gigolo Dolce remarked.
“You know money is no object with me. Just do as I say,” said Shibru and shoved a wad of 100 –birr bills into Gigolo Dolce’s pocket. Gigolo’s smile was so broad Shibru thought his mouth could accommodate a medium –sized pumpkin without exaggeration.
The morning after Shibru’s secret meeting with Gigolo Dolce, the President of the Bank called his deputy to his office and told him: “I am glad to inform you that I have been selected to lead the World Bank and I have recommended you to the Prime Minister to replace me.”
Shibru’s feelings were mixed upon hearing the news. One could expect him to jump and cry for joy, but that never happened. Instead, he simply smiled and said: “Congratulations, boss! As for me, I’ ll never let you down as President of the Bank.” Upon deeper reflection, Shibru’s mixed feelings were quite understandable. By becoming the President of the Bank, it was as if he had come to the end of his journey and there was apparently no higher career position to aspire to unless, of course, he was ambitious enough to aim for the premiership itself, which was quite daunting, to say the least. As formidable as that looked, it was an option still available. There were also other ambitious goals to attain, not least of which was getting re-married to the most beautiful lady in Ethiopia and then to such a woman in the whole of Africa.
In the meantime, Gigolo Dolce was getting ready to present the most beautiful woman in Addis to perhaps the most fastidious would- be lady-killer in the land and that was, of course, none other than Shibru Nefsetsion. The would –be bride was (don’t try to guess!) Mona Lisa. Gigolo Dolce had told her everything he found out about Shibru on his sex life from some of the whores (bar ladies would perhaps be more courteous in the present context) he used to visit around the Piassa area in Addis while he was still a lowly office-boy at the Bank.
“I’ll tell you what, Mona Lisa. He is said to have developed ED from repeated gonorrhea infection and from paralyzing fear of HIV/Aids. The strange thing is that his ED seems to get mitigated with strong body odour,” he had told her and she had asked: “What’s ED and what do you mean by body odour”?
“Oh! Mona Lisa! You don’t even know what ED is? You couldn’t have had sex education at school. Not your fault. Haven’t you read anything about “Sinfet-Wossib” in Addis Zemen newspaper? Well, ED means erectile dysfunction, which is really another word for a flaccid penis. Body dour in this context is a pungent smell not only from your armpits, but most importantly from your private parts.”
“Ok, Gigolo Dolce, I know what you mean. All I am interested in is his money, as to the body ordour thing, I promise I can be smellier than a skunk if need be !” Mona Lisa said.
“Money is no object with Shibru. It flows in from all four corners of the compass. His nominal monthly salary is north of 100,000 birr, but, of course, that’s is not the only source by any stretch of the imagination. He’s been chopping (as Nigerian corruptionists would say) the ten percent cut on loans, credits, advances and overdrafts and what have you, and as President of the Bank those fountains of OPM are going to give you a heavenly golden shower you will never forget in a hurry!” Gigolo Dolce, the living lexicographer of dough, who would put the great Samuel Johnson to shame, regaled Mona Liza with stories of cash plunder and pillage.
Mona Lisa, who clearly seemed to have vertigo from her most favourite topic of discussion (what else but money), asked Gigolo Dolce: “Wait a minute. What’s OPM?”
“Oh! Mona Lisa of Leonardo da Vinci, you don’t know OPM? That’s is in fact an accounting term meaning other people’s money, but appropriately used to describe the source of swag!”, Gigolo Dolce explained quite expertly.
Mona Lisa who had her fill of money talk for the day next popped the great question: “When am I going to meet Shibru and, more importantly, when is the wedding going to be?”
“Next Sunday! You will meet the great man tomorrow at 2 P.M at the Sheraton. I have shown him your glamorous photos and they almost knocked him off his feet. Don’t worry, everything has been prearranged,” Gigolo Dolce told her.
The momentous pre-wedding encounter at the Sheraton was nothing short of a marvelous engagement ceremony. Shibru Nefsetsion was casually dressed but Mona Lisa looked exquisite in her Sunday best for a Tuesday afternoon. Shibru is a medium- sized gentleman( thou shall not judge!) with a handsome face but, of course, nothing to compare with that of Mona Lisa of Leonardo da Vinci. He gave her a royal kiss on the back of her stretched hand, and that clinched the marriage proposition to the delight of the very few invited people present at the ceremony.
Well, to cut a long story short, the wedding on the appointed Sunday was literally out of this world! In short, it was an incredible 11 million-birr extravaganza the likes of which had never been seen before in Addis. It soon became the talk of the town with serious consequences. The Chief of the Ethics and Anti- Corruption Commission had been informed about the whole thing. In fact, on orders from the Prime Minister, a thorough investigation had been carried out into Shibru’s financial background. The findings were not particularly favorable to Shibru Nefsetsion who, through sheer hard work, apparently transformed himself from a lowly office-boy into one of the most respected presidents of “too-big-to-fail” banks in Ethiopia. But he was tolerated by the powers that be because he was considered to be a strategic political asset, i.e. until the “talk-of – the-town” thing was gradually brewing to be a major financial scandal capable of tarnishing the entire political landscape in the country.
Sadly, Shibru Nefesetsion was finally arraigned before a federal court on multiple charges of corruption including fraud, embezzlement and illegal self- enrichment. The presiding judge, who had heard about Shibru’s meteoric rise, said: “Ato Shibru, do you have anything to say in your defense.?”
Shibru Nefsetsion gave his scintillatingly beautiful wife a long glance, making sure that the presiding judge was also looking in her direction and said: “Your honour, it is deeply wounding to the core of my soul to find myself in such a devastatingly humiliating situation, but I did it all for the woman I love!”
Upon which the judge responded thus: “Forgive me if you can, but that is a false moral equivalency I cannot possibly accept. Edward VIII of England indeed abdicated his throne for the woman he loved. He thus gave up power, prestige and money for the woman he loved. But in your case, you abdicated your responsibility to steal public money in order to buy, excuse my terminology, the beauty and splendor of an admittedly stunning woman. That is a huge unbridgeable difference, Ato Shibru!”
“I perfectly understand, your Honour, but could you possibly consider Mona Lisa’s extraordinary beauty as an extenuating circumstance for a lighter sentence? Caught completely off guard, the judge adjourned the hearing.
The Ethiopian Herald Sunday Edition June 7, 2020
BY TEKLEBIRHAN GEBREMICHAE
