An institution where parents and children reside is collectively referred to as a family. Formation of a family to be an institution, a man and a woman need to be united as a husband and wife through wedding ceremony for acknowledgement and the acceptance of the society. It is a victory for the loving couples and joy. Before the marriage and later after the marriage, it is a breakthrough as parents for having guided their children through good and bad years to this blessed event.
Customarily, family comes into existence by two ways: one is arranged marriage, where the father of the girl choses a husband for his daughter despite her preference. Such system is rarely acceptable by the modern young people except in a hidebound or patriarchal society where the father is in command of all the affairs of the family. Until recent time, the father had been the sole bread earner; without him the survival of the children would be at stake. He decides what is to be done and directs its implementation unquestionably. The role of the mother is minor and less considered; and thus, she plays supplementary role.
The other one is love marriage, where the couples, of their own accord, decide to become life-partners for the rest of their life. For reiteration sake, marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share domestic responsibilities unquestionably. Nobody should dictate them as to how to go about with their private decision; it is all up to them and for that matter parents and the society make a rubber stamp. In other words, they approve it without giving it proper consideration. After all it is the children’s decision.
A family is a nuclear and the basic institution of the society, father, mother or mothers, in case of polygamy, and the children. In the family, the most important emotional need plays as a binding chord. As simple as it is, affection is the expression of love. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval, which are vitally important ingredients in any relationship between the spouses.
When one spouse is affectionate to the other, the following messages are sent:
a. You are important to me, and I will care for you and protect you.
b. I’m concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you where you need me. A hug can say those things. When we hug our relatives and friends, we are demonstrating our care for them. And there are other ways to show our affection – a greeting card ‘I love you’ note on it, a bouquet of flowers, phone calls, back rubs and conversations with thoughtfulness and loving expressions.
This affection overflows to the children, too, and in due course as the parents are equally concerned about them as they are to each other. Children, well-taken care of, serve as cohesive substance to stick the family together. They are the focal points of the spouses and through their children, the parents evaluate the extent of their love.
The expression If you love your children, love their mother holds true in this case. A mother, who is assured of her husband’s love, fully commits herself to the adequate care and love for her children. Such situation prevailing in the family through the extension of love to the off springs is known as platonic love. It might appear a supplanting force where the love of children plays down the love the spouses have for each other. It is rather a kind of forfeiting the passion that began their love. However, such a move is an indication that the love of the family is strengthened and deepened more than ever.
There should not be anything that creates a faction in the nuclear family. Apparently, it is difficult to please everybody as there is personality difference while responding to whatever the parents offer. At times, the love the parents show to each child may not be always fair and the same for all. Being human, there is a tendency of inclining to one child and neglecting the other; this is an outright favoritism but not driven by ill intention. Good governance steps in at this juncture to make sure fairness to all is served enabling all to feel confident that they are insured of being placed at the ownership status.
The wellbeing of the children is the wellbeing of the spouses or of the father and the mother. This reminds us of the fact that the wellbeing of the citizens depends on the wellbeing of the leader and the vice versa. In this context, if one party is at odds, so is the other. These conditions should inseparably go together. The interest of the ruler when diverted to that of the people, the scepter of the leader becomes strong to enact the law in favor of both the people and himself.
Obviously, there are different types of families depending on the culture and religion: monogamous, where there is one husband and only one wife; polygamous family, where two or more women belong to one husband. In a family, most of us want honest relationship with one spouse. But some of us have a need for such a relationship because honesty and openness give us a sense of security.
To feel secured, we want accurate information about our spouse’s thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, daily activities and plan for the future. If the spouse does not offer honest and open communication, trust can be undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. We cannot trust the signals that are being sent and we have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship.
Instead of adjusting to each other, we feel off balance; instead of growing together, we grow apart. Thus, in a polygamous family, where two wives vie for full attention of the husband, there is no chance where true love relationship is possible. For one thing, the husband knowingly or unknowingly tilts to one and somewhat ignores the other and such situation automatically evicts true love in which case infidelity takes over.
Similarly, in a country where the leader attempts to govern people of different and entirely opposing interests, the situation becomes complicated and intolerably difficult and in the long run impossible. There is no a one-to-one relationship on which the creation of a common ground is feasible. A system has to be devised to bring such differences to a common view from which all can enjoy a win-win experience in their country’s affairs without fear.
Allegiance of the people, like that of the spouses, is possible only when they are of one accord and in the process muster their ideas, abilities as well as their strengths to build one and only one country. At the same time, it is the bounden duty of the leader, as the father’s duty is to his children. The assortment of opportunities for his justice, job opportunities and all political amenities should be common for all the citizens. In his leadership, partiality and nepotism should be least heard of. As much as a husband does things he thinks is favorable to his beloved wife, the leader is also expected to do likewise, to prove that he is worth his supreme power, position and the title.
Flattering words, devoid of sincerity, do the people more harm than good. To have valid value, promises and praises must genuinely be the leader’s feelings. When the people are told they are patriotic, they believe it and they show their allegiance to the leader, and the leader, too, believes it. The whole argument here is, both the leader and the people should be true to each other. Facts and beliefs accepted by all, serve a great deal in consolidating power and aligning the people behind himself. When both parties speak the same language and commonly strive for the same nation-buildingventure, things fall in their right places for the advantage of all.
We the citizens of the same country, like true spouses and the children of the nuclear family, are bound together with a chord of love, understanding and tolerance should be the overall expressions of our love for one another.
The Ethiopian Herald Friday 14 February 2020
BY JOSEPH SOBOKA
