Keep away from toxic personalities! So the self-help books and numerous articles on the subject tell you. In fact ‘tell’ is a very feeble word in this context; better to replace it with ‘warn.’ Those in the know of the sciences warn us to set our boundaries when dealing with the toxic people. Toxicity is the last behavior you would want to experience just for the sake of knowing how it really feels. Of course no one in their right minds try such foolish experiments. The price to pay will be heavy. In fact a closer look at people who display toxic behaviors makes you wonder how in the world they don’t feel the itches and aches at realizing their actions offend others. But then that must be another feeble question. They probably believe they are on the right side of the fence when it comes to behaviors.
Are there really that many toxic people these days to give the issue that much attention and for us to worry? You bet there are! And lots and lots of them, too! It is safe to say that toxicity is one of the front row curses which have made this world such a difficult, uncomfortable and terribly unwelcoming place. Don’t you feel hearing at all that is happening all over the place that this world is becoming more and more uninhabitable. The level of toxicity that seems to have become some sort of a pandemic seems to be pulling the entire planet down under. Too many of us seem to have decided those are the very behaviors that would carry us across the mountains and gorges to a better place in life; ‘a better place’ being subjective as subjective would be.
Most of the time it takes time to see toxic behavior for what it is; TOXIC! It is that we don’t immediately ascribe the behaviors of difficult people to toxicity. We might just brush things off with, “Oh, no wonder the guy is so alienated. Given all the mess he creates and his hostility toward others he’s not the kind of nice man anyone would want to befriend.”
“She is just that arrogant person who seems to have big issues to settle with everybody else! Can you imagine someone who hates practically everybody else? That’s her.” I mean when someone acts and talks as if that they dislike or even hate almost everyone there must be a very big problem.
Take arrogance for example. The literature on the issue tells you that if you constantly fail at being on time it’s probably a sign of arrogance. You are late too often? Then you can be arrogant and better spend some time on the psychotherapists couch. I mean almost everyone of us could be late once in a while; late because of some believable reasons like you were feeling unwell and had to drop by at a drug store or clinic on your way, or the bus you were on breaks down in the middle of nowhere and it takes a while for help to arrive. But when you do it constantly that, sir, is a problem that should be looked into.
Let’s face it most of us seem to be taking appointments like one of those things you don’t have to task your brains with. “Hey, your appointment is at four and it is already a quarter to five. Better run!”
“Oh don’t worry. No one comes on time. Even if they do they’ll go nowhere not because they explicitly approve of our being late but because we, over the years seem to have been programed to accept being late as just another natural process. That age old belief that people of this country aren’t serious about being on time, (the ‘Yehabesha Ketero’ thing!) seems to have prevented us from polishing our acts.
According to ‘Yehabesha Ketero’ citizens of this country take being late for granted in that probably no one would raise it as an issue. The irony of it all is that people who report on time don’t get encouragement or praise they deserve. If they do get encouragement and praise then they should celebrate. No, no!
“Are you alright?”
“Yes, I am. Why do you ask?”
“Well you came on time! Not even a minute late!” Ha, ha! Some guys spoil the team mood, don’t they? You know if things that aren’t commonly observed like coming right on time when the table for the brass wasn’t yet set. So if you, that nice guy who give big importance to such issues arrive on time and notice some eyebrows being raised don’t be surprised. You’re the odd guy out which isn’t actually bad in this case. “I heard the guy came on time. Who does this bum think he is coming at that hour! He must be up to his neck in some conspiracy!”
But then being constantly late being taken for one of the signs of arrogance, well, some uncomfortable questions come knocking; uncomfortable questions which couldn’t be answered with ease and conviction!
We were talking about toxicity. It is said toxic people are 24/7 complainers and negative. Maybe, just maybe some names would crop up in your mind giving you the itches and aches. You might even feel guilty! But, then however nice one would like to act there those moments you could do nothing about. To put in another way, the mental archives are there and there is no reason to feel guilty if files from those archives crop up indiscriminately in your mind. You’re not the one acting judge and jury here!
To be frank especially these days many of us have tons of complaints as life becomes tougher. Just because you’ve a few complaints it doesn’t mean that you’re that heartache who has nothing to say but complain. The point here is after complaints are voiced the next step should be what to do about them. “How the hell am I to make things right?” As they say some things are easier said than done.
Anyways we could go on talking about toxicity and the damage it causes to human relations and the cracks it creates within communities and societies. But it all boils down to the fact toxicity being so damaging maybe it’s high time we turned the mirror towards ourselves. Self-criticism could be of the ways out!
BY EPHREM ENDALE CONTRIBUTER
THE ETHIOPIAN HERALD SUNDAY EDITION 10 MARCH 2024