As sociologists tell us, the family is a basic unit or a microcosm of a larger social organization and the rules and manners that contribute in shaping the behavior of actors in social institutions. Whatever happens in the family is bound to be reflected in larger social settings. This is also true in child upbringing. That is why a lot of attention is given to the way children are raised because, in the final analysis, children are the face of the society of tomorrow.
Respect to social manners is therefore one way of shaping well-discipline citizens who respect tradition and are also open to modernity in the way they handle daily life and respect social mores, absorb what is progressive and reject what is damaging. In a very general sense, table manners tend to tell us about social manners.
In traditional Ethiopia, every meal is attended by parents in a family and children are generally excluded from the table and eat after their parents are served first. This age-based separation generally emanates from the belief that children should serve their parents before they serve themselves. It is also believed that children learn discipline and humbleness when they are served last instead of together with their family. Of course, in traditional Ethiopia domestic servants are the last to eat or not eat, because they are considered less important than the children. Then follow pets and domestic animals who are usually given some of the leftovers from the traditional table.
By the way, when we talk about the Ethiopian table, we are not talking about the modern table per se, that may be a wooden table, and chairs on which the senior members of the family and adults in general sit to eat. The traditional “table” is a square shaped, short and circular bamboo or wooden “table” on which food is served. People eat sitting on wooden stools or a kind of “bench” made of mud and pebbles held together with animal droppings that served like cement. The modern table is elevated from the floor while the traditional Ethiopian table is closer to the floor and people have to bend a little in order to reach the food.
It is my guess that the decision to let children eat last may be due to the lack of space around the small bamboo or wooden table, and not a sign of hierarchy or other ethical considerations. Upon second thought however, we may say that children eat last or next to last because they have to show their modesty and respect or obedience to their parents. At night, children hold the fire torch and stand nearby until their parents finish to eat. Then they retreat to the back room or the kitchen in order to savor what they are given by way of lunch or dinner.
This may consist of leftovers or fresh food as the case may be, but servants, dogs and cats are given the last scraps or nothing at all depending on the availability of food in a given family. By the way, in some areas where food is relatively scarce, the practice of given children the leftovers from the meals may be due to the need to feed the adults first so that they can eat their fill while children are expected to keep silent even if they are not full.
There are a number of proverbs or sayings that reflect society’s inferior concern for children, as many people believe that it is not good for children to eat too much or eat their fill because they may face harder times in the future and they have to prepare themselves for such eventualities.
From the point of view of the present, the relationship between parents and children, or the way the latter are treated during meals may look a bit cruel, or selfish. Yet, this is a tradition that dates back to centuries. In some cultures, like among the Somalis, children usually eat together with their parents and all members of the family sit on a large mats spread on the ground and where the foods are served. I have not so far seen or heard about an Ethiopian culture where children eat first followed by adult members of the family. There are however some places where the male members of the family or guests eat first and women eat afterwards together with their children.
Modern manners have long caught up with Ethiopian society and it is nowadays unthinkable for children to eat last or hold the torch at night when the lights go off while their parents are eating. The opposite is true nowadays. Children are regarded in almost all Ethiopian families in the urban settings as real treasures to be taken care of more than any other member of the family. children are thus spoilt to the point of letting them talk and do whatever they like at table time. In traditional Ethiopian family, children are not allowed to talk while eating because food is considered something holy or a king that should be respected by the eaters since God is believed the only provider.
These traditional beliefs have been eroded through time and children are given much more freedom at table as in any other family gathering or activity. They are often the main speakers who dispute their parents decisions and go their own ways even when their parents tell them to behave.
Table manners in Ethiopia nowadays resemble those in the developed societies where children are spoilt to the point of overindulgence. There is nothing wrong with treating children with the love and respect they deserve but adoring or spoiling them too much may be counterproductive and this is often seen when the children grow up and show immature or reckless behaviors unworthy of their ages or their environments. The traditional table manners too may have shortcomings in the sense that they might have reduced children to a state of fear of elders, submissiveness, lack of self-expression and timidity.
Those of us who grew up in the old social norms know very well that childhood habits are formed during the early years of psychological formation. Even without referring to Sigmund Freud who reduces everything in neurotic behavior to childhood sexual experience of trauma, we can safely assume that the intimidating way Ethiopian children were or are treat in their childhood might be the reason why they develop neurotic feelings and anxiety traumas in their adult lives. Growing in a traditionally intimidating social environment, including traditional table manners, might also be the factor that contributes to anxiety attacks in later life.
Modernity, although it has liberating or liberalizing feature, may also lead to exaggerations in child behavior that can prevent children to act their age. Many children from the so-called modern family are known to enjoy freedoms that may sometimes be hurdles to their balanced emotional growth and development. Giving children free access to anything they want while at home may not only be a spoiling practice but also lead to the kids to expect society to offer them the same opportunities and in case they cannot get them they might turn violent or anti-social.
The best option would be to take the positive aspects of both traditional and modern household and social mannerisms and combine them to produce something that resembles Ethiopia social norms without going to the extremes of both tendencies. The traditional way of doing things in not entirely backward and useless. I personally miss for instance the rigorous ways religious village schools taught reading and writing to their students, most of whom later on fell in love with reading while a few of them turned writers themselves. You can come to the same conclusion if you read the biographies of some of our notable writers of yesterday.
Coming back to table manners, the traditional way of disciplining children at the table was not aimed at making them less voracious in their eating but to give them lessons in modesty, respect to others and good behavior in general. Neither does the modern table etiquette meant to make children world champions in marathon eating contests. The point is not to compare the two and single out which one is better than the other. The real issue is re-imagining an Ethiopian way of raising children in a way that respects and takes into consideration the positive aspects and rejects the negative ones.
We cannot thus expect the modern table manners to replace the traditional ones or vice versa. Children these days are subjected to foreign influences that come to our country through the media. Excessive consumption of Western media may not always be good to our children let alone to children in Europe or America. That is why parents are advised to control their children and limit their social media time so that they would not fall victim to media toxicity that not only influence their behaviors but also their health status. Children who indulge too much in social media consumption particular those that preach the foreign way of eating, dressing and living are bound to be toxic because some of the consumers are bound to fall victims to depression and other mental health hazards.
By the same token, it would be too hard or unrealistic to expect our children who grow up in modern families to think and act or behave like their traditional peers. Nowadays, you cannot expect or tell children to wait until their parents finish eating in order to have their share of the meals. Togetherness at the table is both an old and modern norm.
Ethiopians are known for sitting together to eat with their bare hands. Not only to eat but also feed anyone who sits close to them with handfuls of gursha as a sign of love, respect and togetherness. If you go to a restaurant for a meal and wait until what you ordered arrives, someone sitting nearby eating will certainly invite you by saying “enebla!” or “let’s share my meal!” or come straight to you with a small portion from his dish and struggle to stuff it into your mouth. This is no doubt sharing at its best.
In the age of fast-foods, too much sugar and fatty delicacies, most parents must be anxious not about where the next meals is coming from but which food and how much of it is good for the mental and physical health of their offspring. While modernity is going to take over tradition in the long term perspective, it would be convenient some aspect of the old tradition in shaping the appetite as well as the manner of eating of the new generation of children who would shape or reshape many of the social norms when they will grow up, become adults and raise families. Our sociologists, nutritionists and medical doctors in general should be involved in this search for the ‘healthy median’ in our table manners.
BY MULUGETA GUDETA
THE ETHIOPIAN HERALD WEDNESDAY 16 AUGUST 2023
