I should make a speech at some event one of these days. Yes, that’s what I should do to get in on the action. Hey, every other guy is doing that, making speeches! So, waiting on the edges while everybody, at least everybody you know, is wresting for the spotlight might not be productive these days. You’ll be left out, thrown into the dustbin, ‘a nonevent,’ a has-been; you’ll end up old history! Look, I don’t blame people who feel they have to bulldoze their way onto the public stage announcing “Hey, folks, here I am!” It is all about public relations these days, isn’t it!
So, I must make some speech. At least someone will talk about it, even the media locks you out.
“Did you hear that fellow making a speech the other day?” (By the way ‘that fellow’ could also serve as a ‘name.’)
“You mean they actually let him go on stage and make…make…I can’t even say the word.”
“Yes, that’s what happened. I tell you if that guy was a little taller, I’d be asking for asylum in some pacific island.”
Sorry guys whatever you say I should make a speech.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” you start. Well that’s too common, isn’t it? Everyone with a mike can say that! What’s more, and this is important, there are people in the audience whom you consider anything but gentlemen. It would be degrading the term ‘gentlemen’ itself. That must be an odd feeling. You’re there talking say about corruption or something to that tune. Nice of you to do that; believe me, we need a lot of it. The irony of it all is that the guy sitting in mid-front row, is one considered to be corruption itself in flesh and bones. (A more literary fellow would have put it as the ‘personalization of corruption’ or something sounding a little bit more flowery.) What’s more he’s the one applauding you the most! In fact, his palms take the lead in setting of every round of applause. He’s your cheerleader! You are calling for whichever office is responsible to do something about him and he’s leading the cheers for you! If you think every round of applause is appreciation think twice. The guy is sending you the message; “You do the talking, I’ll do the taking!”
Listen to me, dear pacific-island-destined fellow,’ this is not about tall, taller or anything like that. It’s about enjoying your share of ‘applause’ for nothing. Just go up there say the usual pleasantries, insert a few jokes and make them smile; it is that simple. Is it?
And then there is the audience. A lot of well-groomed ladies and gentlemen. That’s supposed to be respect. Of course, there are also a few of them who seem to have come in their pajamas!
“Say some pleasantries, insert a few jokes, make them smile and that’s it?”
“What more do you want?”
“What about the substance of the speech?”
“What substance are you talking about? Look your ‘substance’ in some chemistry lab. I make the people laugh, and you ask me the substance of my speech! Well, just to save the bridges from falling away I’ll tell you the substance of my speech. The substance of my speech is…er…what more substance could there than me making a speech allowing the hosts to use the phrase, “What makes today’s event special is…”
Why do I feel the substance of ‘speeches’ quite a number of guys make is by itself a riddle? The guy who was supposed to talk about educational matters sounds like he is the one to replace Gardiola as men city coach! You know, like he’s saying “I’ve said what I wanted to say. If you’re some kind of a substance freak dig it up yourself!”
One thing about making speeches that baffles you if you think about it a couple of minutes longer is that no one seems to care how cruelly some speech makers abuse ‘time.’ they can barter ‘their time’ whatever whatever misses in their living rooms; they have no right to fool with yours! They’re abusing the precious times of a couple of hundred people! Time matters; it really does. To those who think you have all the time in the world to waste I’m sorry to break the news, “No you don’t have a single second to squander. You only think you’ve. How can you think you have the time to …when you are two weeks back on that project? How can you have the time to spare when you’re months back in almost all your bills and your smart phone is being crowded with warning text messages? how can you have spare time when the lady of the hose given you a three-month window to cut back on your drinking or else she’ll purchase her one-way ticket?
Seriously one thing that makes speeches in this country bland and boring is there’re too few speech writers, if there are such people, that is. The speeches made by some big shots sound so frail, so purposeless you wonder what they are thinking while they are voicing the words. I’ve a hunch. Adjectives can’t cover for substance! At times half the speeches appear to be adjectives and nothing else, making the script prepared for some English class on how to be careful about the temptations the adjectives throw your way.
I should find me a certain event and make a speech. Any suggestions?
There might be applause, lots of it. However, at the end of the day you’re the loser. All the applause was playacting and practically no one meant it! Most applause is people deciding to play it nice in public.
“Will somebody please show this guy the way down the podium and out the hall? He’s driving us nuts!” God save you from such audience rage! Me making a speech! Why not?
The Ethiopian Herald 11 April 2021