It seems talking to people is becoming harder these days. I mean whether small talk or real full-blooded marathon discussions things are getting rougher at the edges as moral pillars supporting social interactions crack and fall one by one. The conventional wisdom you seldom talk with similar tone, intensity and word choice to everyone else.
Many factors oblige you to choose the right of tone, the right issues and the most suitable words for particular occasions. Unfortunately quite many of us seem to be losing out on that front. At times listening to some of us talk to others you wonder “Who does this dude think he’s talking to?” Our choice of words and the tone we employ could be so out of tune with the particular situations no wonder the most sensitive ones amongst us would feel offended.
Even some speeches are so poorly and carelessly prepared and delivered you’d wonder “What the hell is wrong with these guys? The speech is meant to an audience of professional adults mostly in midlife and beyond and they treat them like kids who don’t yet know dogs have nothing to do with hotdogs! Ha!
A decade or so back I remember an incident which illustrates failing to mind our words before they slide across our tongues could bring about unwanted situations. There was this woman working as a secretary in some office; a woman humble as humble can be who minds her own business and never crosses the red lines into the lives of others. She was one lady who hated gossip and just walks away when those around her start gossiping. She had five children already. And a couple of years after her fifth kid she becomes pregnant for the sixth time.
Of course when you think about it and it not often that you come across ladies with six children. And the woman being who she was you might feel sorry for her in the most humble way but keep things to yourself. (By the way in this society counting the number of kids of someone is the cruelest thing to do and you might lose friendships or family ties for good! Say “”Is this one the fourth kid?” and you might as well get ready for the angry barrage of words that would come for sure, “who are you to count my children!” It is taken as a curse and mentioning someone’s children by the numbers might bring about bad consequences.)
So, whatever people around this woman thought they kept it themselves which was the right thing to do in the circumstances. I mean she could have five or fifteen children and it’d be hers and her family’s business only!
As they say no one can drink clean water when there’s someone to disturb and contaminate it. One day a younger lady who had all the wrong illusions about herself tries to act ‘civilized’ in the most bizarre of ways makes a comment that broke the dam. She says something like; “You’re pregnant with a sixth one!” The shock was universal. That humble lady tried her best to stifle her emotions which under everyone’s eyes were surging. She only says something like, “It’s none of your business! That was that on her part. But others who witnessed the incident couldn’t hold back themselves. That not so smart young lady was treated like anyone would treat the most hated of things!
Look, saying “You seem to have added some weight;” if not the smartest thing to say might not be that bad. But take the guy who thinks only after he talks! Lots of them around these days!) Such a guy would say something like; “My! My! My! You have become so fat I couldn’t easily recognize you. What do you eat anyway!” Can you imagine any comment that could be harsher than such an outrage! No wonder if such a guy loses another friend. That’s cruel! No using such words it doesn’t have anything to do with being friendly.
One doesn’t necessarily have to say something like, “You look fantastic.” There would be nothing fantastic about overweight with all the health problems that are sure to follow.
You meet someone after several months. And you sense that something must be wrong with him. “Sorry, for asking; are you all right?”
“Yes I am.” “You look a little tired…”
Then he tells you his health isn’t in good condition. And the most humane thing to say is. “I hope you get well soon. Is there anything we can do?”
No, that wouldn’t be how that plays out.
“You’re sick! That’s terrible.”
The guy himself didn’t use any term close to ‘terrible’! Terrible is a mind that is not any more alive than that of a badly fed chicken’s! Or some amongst us might ask; “What’re you suffering from?” What! On the surface that appears a harmless inquiry. But if you give it a minute or two of additional thought it could turn out to be the most savage question to someone mildly complaining about ill health. Why the hell should he tell us what he’s suffering from? If you think about it, it’s not the right way to talk to someone who just told you his health isn’t good. I mean except the doctors and perhaps immediate family our medical conditions are as private as anything private. Period!
There was this incident where things went close to a bust up which could have turned out to be vicious where some fellow commented on the fiancé of what he calls his dear friend. Listening to what the fellow said the meekest amongst us could tell us to forget the comments as they might have been made in good spirits. Well hearing about what he supposedly said if those words were the end product of ‘good spirits’ then you’d have nothing to do with ‘good spirits.’ But I can tell you despite the fellow being described as a best friend his comments were so gruesome I couldn’t reproduce them here; unless some ChatGPT thing interferes with the machinery upstairs. The guy whose fiancé was so unceremoniously abused was all teeth and nails. Lots of people had to interfere to prevent him from engaging in a physical bust-up! And you’d thing he is the last guy on earth who would roll up his sleeves and start throwing punches. But then there those lines which, when crossed, would take even the most blessed of humans to the borders of uncontrollable rage.
The Ethiopian Herald July 16/2023